Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that individuals can choose the way they think.

— Dr. Martin Seligman

Last week I started reading Dr. Martin Seligman’s book Learned Optimism:How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. He is one of the originators of a field called Positive Psychology. It looks at the factors which contribute to happiness and positive mental health, as opposed to those which contribute to mental illness. Seligman likes to joke that, prior to this type of study, the field of psychology was half-baked, exploring only the darker side of our nature.

January seemed to be a good month to start this type of reading, given the degree of depression that is prevalent post-holiday, mid-winter. Statistically, January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. Coincidentally, it was the day I picked up Learned Optimism. Intrigued by Seligman’s other titles, I also bought Authentic Happiness, and his latest book, Flourish.

Although each of us has a natural set-point when it comes to our own level of happiness, according to Marci Shimoff in Happy For No Reason, Seligman’s studies show that, for most of us, depression is largely caused by how we think, rather than by genetics, hormones, or the difficulties we’ve experienced. The good news is that we can learn to change how we think about our circumstances, and especially about our traumas and setbacks.

The topic of happiness is gaining popularity as we learn the degree to which we are in control of our moods, despite our circumstances. I’m fascinated by this stuff, and thought I’d blog about my takeaways from each of Seligman’s books. You’re invited to go on the journey with me.

Who’s in?

Yesterday my phone rang, and my caller ID read, “Phone Scam.” It turned out to be a recorded call about reducing my credit card rate, so it was not quite a scam, but I was impressed at how very helpful technology is getting to be these days!

When I related the incident to my brother, he mentioned that it would be cool if phones had lights to let you know how important the call was so you could decide whether or not to pick up. Perhaps a green light for my 93-year-old mom or one of the kids (especially when they’re in trouble), a yellow light for friends calling to chat, and a red light for those wannabe friends (with the never-ending lists of complaints) who just want to unload.

I took it one step further and decided it would be even more helpful if people had identifying descriptors written on their foreheads when you met them. “High Maintenance.” “Kind.” “Hopelessly Romantic.” “Snarky.” “Steer Clear at All Costs.” “A Definite Keeper.” Wouldn’t it be nice to know up front? But I guess part of the joy of friendship is in uncovering the mystery.

In Laura Berman Fortgang’s book, Take Yourself to the Top, she shares some very useful tips for creating the life you want. Most have to do with clearing out that which is not feeding you, and actively choosing people and activities which do. She describes three types of relationships:

• Those that will sink you. These are the energy-draining ones, which drag you down and, eventually, use you up. Fortgang says, however difficult it is to accomplish, those relationships simply need to go. You may feel some guilt when shedding them, but you will feel tremendous relief once you have done it.

• Those that will float you. These are more balanced, with give and take, and they’re pleasant enough, but they aren’t terribly special. It’s okay to have some relationships like this, but you don’t want to devote too much of your time to them.

• Those that will rocket you. These are the powerful ones that inspire you and spark your creativity. They give you energy and bring out your best self. You’ll want to spend the majority of your time with these types of friends.

As a highly-sensitive person, some people are simply too loud or demanding or intense for me. My tendency is to back off quickly, because I’m too nice, and too loyal, so once I’m in a relationship, it’s hard for me to disentangle myself from it. But I’ve learned recently that some relationships just need a little tweaking.

I may need to see someone less often, or for shorter periods of time, or do more emailing with them and less in-person visiting. At that level, even highly energetic friends with strong personalities can be quite enjoyable. It’s hard to set firm boundaries, and friends can balk at first when they feel us pulling back from them, but they can and do adjust. If they don’t get what they need from us, they eventually move on, and that’s okay, too.

We may not have lights on our phones that indicate how we should respond to others when they reach out to us. But we do have internal monitors that tell us exactly how we’re feeling when we’re with people, if we just pay attention to our gut feelings.

Now is a good time to do an inventory of your relationships. Consider which of your friends support you, light a fire under you, or make you happy.

Then you can decide whether it’s time for some paring down, or whether you just need to do a little tweaking.

Today we have a guest post by Cindy Brody, my longtime personal editor, who has a Good News story of her own to share.

Life’s like a movie. Write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending.

— Kermit the Frog

I was at the post office on Friday, in the middle of a long, fidgety line of women—grandmothers, mothers, and daughters—with the requisite toddler throwing a tantrum in the back. It was during the countdown to Christmas, a set up for major stress.

A few people behind me, there was a frazzled young woman in a pink camo headscarf, which didn’t quite conceal her hair loss, likely from chemo. She told the already-vexed businesswoman in front of her she needed to run out to her car for a moment, something about a box in her trunk. The businesswoman said she would hold her place. But when the woman in the scarf came back, the businesswoman actually let her go in front of her.

The next thing you know, each person in that disgruntled line offered to let her go ahead of them, until she was first in line! After each person insisted, the next followed suit, and in the end, everyone was smiling.

It was such a brief incident, but I got to witness firsthand how kindness begets kindness, and how it can really transform us. It reminded me of a scene in A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa, where everyone breaks into song at the U.S. Post Office!

The woman in the scarf thanked everyone, holding back tears, saying it just meant a lot to her right then. I think it meant a lot to all of us, especially in this time of year, to have the opportunity to offer a small act of kindness.

Today’s Good News story has two parts, and neither is about an individual.

The first is about a movement which is taking hold across the country. More than a few generous souls are anonymously paying off Kmart layaway bills so that other families don’t have to struggle so hard at Christmas. As you’ll read in this article, which my son shared with me, donors are specifically asking to pay the bills for young children, to make sure they don’t go without. And they are leaving a small balance to ensure that the account stays active. Kudos to the kind and smart donors.

My friend Bev shared a story about another kindness, this one performed by… a moose at a zoo in Idaho. No longer anonymous, the ironically-named Shooter was photographed during the act of rescuing a tiny (compared to him) new friend.

It seems the desire to help our fellow creatures is instinctual, if we only pay attention to it.

My favorite news stories are the ones in the “Making a Difference” segment on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. This week, Chelsea Clinton joined the staff. Apparently Brian’s wife is the one who gave him the idea of taking five minutes out of the half hour show most nights to highlight a positive story.

Every one of us knows people like the ones in those segments, everyday folks who are doing extraordinary things. Most of them are quietly making a difference in their families and their communities without getting any notice at all. Whether their efforts are put forth at work, at a nonprofit, or through their own initiative, each of them is passionate about his or her mission.

In yesterday’s post I promised to launch my own Good News channel of sorts, so here goes. I’m going to introduce you to some of the people in my life who I feel are “quite something,” each in his or her own way.

First up is one of my longtime, true-blue friends, Sue Ivy. Sue and I share many interests, chief among them, personal growth. I hired Sue back in 1996 when I was working in human resources for a software company. In her first day on the job, she told me that one of her hobbies was collecting quotes and sending out a Quote of the Day via email to her friends. She asked if I’d like to be added to her list. I agreed, and I’ve been receiving them ever since.

Rather than selecting the inspirational quotes randomly, Sue takes the time to hand pick them to correspond with holidays and other important world events. She also tailors them to the happenings of her personal friends, whether they are struggling or celebrating, and by doing so has discovered an interesting phenomenon.

Often, when she sends out a quote in support of one friend, several others will respond and say, “I know that quote was meant for me—it truly spoke to what I’m going through right now. Thank you.” Yet another confirmation that we are more alike than we are different, and our struggles often parallel those of others.

Day after day, year after year, Sue continues to send out her quotes. It’s her gift to her friends, and their friends, as each person encourages another to sign up for the quotes.

More recently, Sue has taken up nature photography and digital art. She now attaches kaleidoscopes, and the photos from which they are derived, to her quote emails. You can see Sue’s work on her photo blog at http://the-enchanted-forrest.blogspot.com/.

Her hobby has expanded to include products with her designs on them, available on http://www.cafepress.com/enchantedcorgi, and books and calendars at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/ivysue1.

Sue’s collection of quotes is now nearing six thousand. I often print them and post them around my office for inspiration as I write.

Thanks, Sue, for making a difference by sharing classic words of wisdom with your friends.

My daughter, who will be 23 in February, frequently says that she hates the evening news and the 24 hour news channels because the stories are always so negative. She asks why there isn’t a “good news channel.” As the traditional news, particularly the economic news, gets worse and worse, I keep thinking about my daughter’s question.

So, in an effort to follow Ghandi’s advice to “be the change I want to see in the world,” I’ve decided to launch my own good news channel of sorts. It occurs to me that, all around me, I see people doing extraordinary things in an effort to make a difference in the world, or at least to the people around them. And I know that these efforts are being repeated, day after day, all over the world. It’s just that the shocking stories grab the headlines, and we’re all guilty of head-turning when we see the “Breaking News” banner on the screen, knowing full well it will not be positive.

None of the people I’m about to introduce to you consider their good works heroic or extraordinary. Most just started out wanting to help, to give back in some way, and somewhere along the way they became passionate about their causes. They’re humble, grateful people whose stories are inspiring to me and, I hope, to you. When you read about their efforts, you may feel compelled to contribute. Or you might feel that you’re not doing enough, compared to them. But my purpose is not to solicit on their behalf or to shame you. We all contribute something, in our own way, and on our own time, and most of us do more than we realize. My aim is simply to shine a light on some positive stories, to try to balance our negative worldview, which is sadly skewed because of our overexposure to one side of the story.

I thought this holiday season would be a good time to expose the warmth and compassion of some ordinary people I know who consistently act out of love for others. The good news starts tomorrow. Join me.

I’ve been having a pull-back week this week. It’s kind of like a mental health day, only longer. On emotional overload after my uncle’s funeral, and after seemingly every one of my close friends has had some kind of crisis, I finally had to pull back. To limit phone calls and emails and invitations in order to process some of what I’ve taken in. Death often causes us to do this. To look at how we’re living, to see if we have our priorities straight and our “house in order,” even to the extent of updating our wills and health care powers-of-attorney.

Before I learned about the death of my uncle, I had been struggling with a career decision. An agent expressed interest in my first book, Thinking About Therapy. She wanted to try to sell it to a mainstream publisher–every self-published author’s dream–except that, in her opinion, re-marketing it would require pulling it off my website. At first glance, it seemed like a no-brainer. I could have an agent! One who doesn’t intimidate me, is passionate about my topics, and returns my phone calls.

On the other hand, I had a visceral reaction when she mentioned pulling the book, especially after the enormous effort that went into redesigning my website last fall. Add to that the fact that I’m getting some traction on various fronts online, and the timing felt completely off. It would have meant switching gears, perhaps even backtracking. In the end I decided to decline the offer, although we left the door open for working together on future projects.

Then, this week, the webmaster for an online magazine for women responded to my request to blog on their site. A few weeks ago they had put out the word that they were looking for bloggers, and, in a high-energy moment, I had signed up. They sent me an application, and asked if I was interested in writing a regional or national blog. As my husband likes to say, “Is that a trick question?” Don’t all writers want as much exposure as possible? At any rate, the application asked me to explain what I thought I could offer to their readers.

Isn’t it amazing how hearing the right question can set your brain straight to the task of answering it? Part of my emotional funk this week has been due to a lack of focus. Self-published authors face a dizzying list of shoulds. In order to build an audience and sell books, we are told that we should blog, set up book signings and speaking engagements, send out books for review, write magazine pitches and sell articles, create book trailers, mine the web. And, oh, by the way, write the next book. I’m guilty of switching haplessly from one to the other, sometimes getting overwhelmed in the process.

Which brings me back to the “What can I offer?” question. I know the big-picture answer because I’ve done a lot of work in this area and I have a personal mission statement: “To inspire others to live a more joyful, purposeful life.” I want to share my personal experiences with other people, particularly women, in the hopes of saving them some of the emotional struggles that I’ve been through.

I just needed to be asked the question again. Refocused, I know where to put my efforts going forward. I have a feeling that, as a result, next week is going to be one of those pull-ahead weeks.

As Greg Anderson says in his uplifting book Living Life on Purpose, “You have a mission in your life…Truly, the world has need of you…You are here, now, where you are, how you are, given the personality you have, with the unique abilities you possess because this is your moment to contribute to the world.” 

How about you? What can you offer to the world? Do you need a pull-back week to figure it out?

Take all the time you need. We’ll wait.

I’m having a super busy week–a good kind of busy–so over the next few days I’m going to post a three-part blog I originally published at www.triangleareafreelancers.org.

People often come to freelance writing later in life and from other careers. Some switch from other writing fields, such as technical writing. Others have done business writing, including press releases and marketing materials, as part of their job. Exposure to a variety of knowledge bases can be a boon for a freelancer. The more exposure you have to the world, the more you have to write about.

But one pitfall for beginning freelancers is that they often don’t see themselves as writers. New members who come to our group often say the same thing. “I’m not really a writer—I don’t have anything published.”

Although some people have a more natural aptitude than others, thankfully, writing is primarily a learned skill: the more you write, the better you get. There is no acid test to determine whether you are, or are not, a writer. You are a writer if you write.

But thinking of yourself as a writer is a critical step towards being one. If you’re not there yet, you can borrow a role-playing technique psychotherapists use to help people get a jump-start on learning new behaviors. It’s called “acting as if” (known in laymen’s terms as “Fake it until you make it.”)

For example, if you’re uncomfortable in social situations, you can “act as if” you are extroverted. You can walk into a room of strangers, make solid eye contact, introduce yourself, give a firm handshake, and smile warmly at everyone.

People are funny. If they see something that “walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck,” they think it’s a duck. If you appear to be outgoing, they assume you’re outgoing. If you appear to be a writer, they assume you’re a writer.

One of my favorite anecdotes from Sue Monk Kidd’s Firstlight, which is a collection of her early inspirational writings, is her description of how she announced to the world that she was going to become a writer. (She had had a long career as a nurse.) “The world” turned out to be her husband and two-year-old, who were sitting at the breakfast table eating cereal. Her point was that she had decided.

If you’ve decided you want to be a writer, start “acting as if” — by doing the things that writers do. Establish a space in your home to write, buy writers’ magazines, join a writers’ group, take a writing class, talk to people about what you’re writing, and most importantly, write!

(more…)

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”
                                                                                         Daniel Francoiseprit Auber

My mother said a funny thing the other day. She was frustrated that her sewing machine was acting up, and she said, “I know I threaded it right. I’ve been doing it for centuries.” She’s nearly 90, and it probably does feel to her like she’s been doing some things for centuries.
 
Her machine has been giving her trouble since she had it serviced a month ago, but she sounded defensive, as if I would question her skills. The thought hadn’t occurred to me, and I wondered at first why she felt the need to explain herself.

It made me think about what it must truly be like to be her age, to have people question what she is doing and how she is doing it. Even without Alzheimers, older people become aware that, over time, they are losing the ability to do things they once knew how to do.

As we watch our parents age, it’s easy to get impatient. We experience the changes in terms of how they affect us. They start to repeat themselves. They lose things. They don’t pay their bills. They forget to take their medications. They become, for us, like another one of our children, and we begin to speak to them in the same hassled tone.

We truly forget that it will happen to us one day too. And it will, if we live long enough. There’s no getting around it. Imagine for one minute what it must actually feel like to have your child treat you as if you were the child. To have them remind you of things, explain things to you, drive you places, speak to people on your behalf.

I’m going to try to hold that picture in my head the next time I visit my mom.